In 2003 I was brought to a place in my life where I could no longer run from the pain that I fought hard to bury deep within my heart.
More than 20 years ago, I made a horrible mistake of aborting two of my babies. Decisions that I will regret for the rest of my life.
Through these years of my life I became gradually and increasingly self-destructive. I struggled with anger and depression. I went through times of hating those who had been a part of the decision to abort my babies, without realizing why I felt this way. My marriage was a mess. I turned to alcohol to numb the pain that I was going through. There were times when I wanted to end my own life, but couldn't. I had five other children that needed me, even though at times I even pushed them away, only because I felt I didn't deserve them. I hated myself and believed I was unworthy to be loved.
I constantly felt as though I lived in a fog. I often felt like my world was crashing in around me and no one could save me. But, even through those times I would feel God's hand holding me up and I felt His love drawing me closer to Him.
I attended marriage counseling and met with women counselors. Yet, none of these could even begin to help me understand why or what I was going through. It wasn't until I went to a Post-Abortive Training Seminar, by Pathway To Peace, that God was able to open my eyes and begin to heal my heart from this pain that I suffered through all these years.
As I listened to other women telling their stories of what they had gone through due to their abortions, details of my abortions began to go through my head with great intensity. Tears from deep within began to pour down my face, and I wanted to run, but I couldn't. The One who loved me most, my Heavenly Father, held me gently and lovingly in my seat. I had to allow Him to deal with my heart, I had to go back into my past and face my abortions. It was the most difficult thing I had ever had to do. I am so very thankful that I did, and that He brought me to this place.
I had spent a large part of my life in the pain that my abortions caused. If I had known then what I know now, I would not have chosen abortion. I know that I am forgiven and I feel God's forgiveness everyday. I have allowed myself to grieve the loss of my babies and have named them, Sarah and Sharone. My sweet babies that I will never forget. I have had to learn to forgive myself, which has been very difficult, but with God's help I am learning and growing every day. The healing is a process, and not every day is easy. There are still times when I cry, but I know without a doubt that through God's love, I am forgiven and set free from the prison I placed myself in more than twenty years ago.
I pray that more and more women who have had abortions will come to know that there is hope and healing, and that they can get help. I also pray that more and more people will be educated in what abortion does. It brutally ends the life of a baby and hurts all those involved: mother, father, siblings, grandparents, and every life close.
I choose to be silent no more to save lives and educate those who do not know the truth about abortion. We have an amazing God who loves us more than we could ever imagine, and who forgives us no matter what we have done. His arms are always extended outward, just waiting to hold us. He does give beauty for ashes. Only He can bring hope and healing into our lives after something so horrific.
If you have had an abortion in the past, run to the One who loves you most. His arms are open and ready to forgive. He will set you free.
(Name withheld for confidentiality)